Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
