I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
