just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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