So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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