I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
