your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
