I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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