There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
