When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
