It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
