You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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