porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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