He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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