God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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