A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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