I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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