things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
