i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
