I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
