hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
