my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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