I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
