I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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