I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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