She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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