Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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