I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
