Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize