we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
