I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
