thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
