Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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