At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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