I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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