I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
