Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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