that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
