Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
