What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
