The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
