The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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