Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
