I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
