cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
