I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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