Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
