My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
