can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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