I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
