Will you blow on my dice?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
