I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize