I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
