she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
