Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
