If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
