He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
