If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
