I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
