Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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