please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
