i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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