Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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